Do you like movies? I sure do. I like watching movies, analyzing movies, discussing movies, dissecting movies. Movies can be inspiring, touching, heartbreaking. Movies can make you laugh, cry, make you jump out of your seat when the killer surprises a victim, make your eyes widen as the special effects kick in, make you rock out to a killer soundtrack. Movies can remind you of the past, or make you wonder about the future. They can take you to space, under the sea, jungles, deserts, big cities, small towns. Above all, movies can make you forget about real life, even if for just two hours, and entertain you while you get lost in the world they present you with.
But not all movies.
There are some movies that can do none of those things. Movies that try to make you laugh, but don't. Movies that try engulf you in drama, but put you to sleep. Movies that make you regret spending $10 of your hard earned money just to stare at Owen Wilson's fucked up face for 90 facepalming minutes.
I'm of course referring to bad movies.
I have a special interest in bad movies. They seem to have grown in numbers almost exponentially in the past decade, so they're almost unavoidable. If you've gone out to a movie theater recently, chances are the film you saw was bad. And it's likely that I could have told you it was going to be bad.
Not that you would have listened, though.
The reason the market is flooded with celluloid fecal matter these days is because the general public (aka "assholes like you") keep throwing down cash to watch films that are total fucking garbage, so the big fatcat Hollywood executives look at the box-office gross of, let's say, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and they think something along the lines of:
"Wow, this movie made over $100 million! Kevin James must be a legitimate actor that people want to see on a continuous basis, so let's keep writing awful movies for him and putting him in starring roles!"
However, nothing could be further from the truth. In a cinematic utopia, people would realize that Kevin James is not even fucking close to being a legitimate actor, and it would be nice if we never saw his unfunny fat ass ever again, except maybe on the side of a milk carton (do people even buy milk cartons anymore?). Sadly, we do not live in this utopia. We live in a world where drooling idiots see a trailer for a movie about a fat guy who falls down and gets hurt, and because they have an IQ comparable to that of a pile of manure, they think it's the funniest thing they've ever seen, and they absolutely can't wait to hand over their wallets, suspend all coherent thought, sit back and enjoy their hour and a half of kindergarten humor (my apologies if that insults any kindergarteners).
Unfortunately, this is a problem that seems to have no solution. I could try to sit these people down and have a rational conversation with them about why they're wrong and I'm right, but that never seems to go over well. Plus, the general public outnumbers me several million to one, and I'm afraid I don't have the time or energy to try and talk sense into each and every one of you. So, I simply must accept that the bad movies won't stop coming. But now, thanks to this newfangled blog here, I don't have to do it quietly. This will be my domain to somewhat regularly discuss the films that I find unfunny, boring, mind numbing, lacking of substance, ect. Movies that make me wonder how the fuck they even got made in the first place. Movies that fail.
Welcome to Cinema Fail.
No comments:
Post a Comment