Clash of the Titans

Clash of the Titans (2010)
Director: Louis Leterrier
Stars: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Gemma Arterton


Hollywood is full of copycats. If one movie of a certain type is released and earns a bundle of cash at the box office and/or opens to rave reviews (but cash is more important), it is certain that in the coming months and years there will be a slew of films of the same type released in an effort to cash in on the supposed idiocy of the general movie-going audience. Apparently studios believe that the general public enjoys films not because of little insignificant things like writing, acting, pace, story arc, character development, originality, ect., but rather just because of what they are about. So when the film 300 was released to the masses in 2007 and earned a shit ton of revenue despite being released during a typically slow season, the studios took notice. "Eureka," one hypothetical movie executive probably said. "It is abundantly clear that audiences want to see movies about ancient Greek and Roman shit. Let's get started!" This hypothetical assclown neglected to take notice of the fact that although 300 was enjoyable because of special effects and fight scenes (things that every single film can do well nowadays), it was also a pleasant surprise due to the story and especially the character development of Leonidas and his men, as well as his family back home. But again, qualities like this matter little to the guys who are in charge. All they see are dollar signs, so when a movie about ancient Greece and mythical creatures and Gods is successful, they want to start cranking out copies as fast as possible in an attempt to replicate the financial gain. And that's how Clash of the Titans came to be.

If you remember seeing previews for this movie before it came out, chances are you remember one scene and one particular line of dialogue being drilled repeatedly into your head: Liam Neeson as Zeus dramatically giving the order to "release the Kraken!" The studio figured this would be their big selling point, because trying to sell the story of the movie wouldn't work on the average asshole who has no idea who Perseus is and could care less what happens to him, as long as the effects are good. And just in case you forgot the Kraken from all those previews, the movie makes sure to remind you. The film's opening monologue mentions the Kraken within 30 seconds, just in case anyone was worried they walked into the wrong theater. The first act of the movie plays out quickly and blandly: a baby is found in an underwater coffin (don't even ask), a fisherman named Pete Postlethwaite finds the baby, raises it as his own, the baby grows from an infant to an adult male named Perseus in about three minutes of screen time, then Postlethwaite curses the Gods for not giving him any fish (a bit of an overreaction, don't you think?), then the family is killed by Poseidon because... um... well, because they happened to be in the general vicinity of some soldiers. Or something. The filmmakers definitely don't need to focus on this part of the story though. The tragic death of the protagonist's family really doesn't matter to any good story, right? Of course not. It's not like it worked for Batman or anything...

Anyway, the only part that matters to the story is that Perseus survives the attack and is found by the soldiers. They take him back to their home city of Argos, a place where the King and Queen have declared war on the Gods. Which definitely seems like a smart idea that will not backfire in any way. Meanwhile up in Godville, Zeus is confronted by his brother Hades, played by Ralph Fiennes in a role that seemed like he was just practicing his Lord Voldemort voice before the next Harry Potter movie. Hades tells Zeus that people are becoming ungrateful and the only way to regain control is to scare the living shit out of them. Zeus agrees, and Hades poofs down to Argos where he demands that the King's daughter Andromeda must be sacrificed within 10 days or else he'll release the Kraken on their asses (and thankfully he met the film's contractual obligation to mention the Kraken every 10 fucking minutes). Hades also unceremoniously announces that Perseus is the son of Zeus, making him a demigod and more powerful than mere men. This scene is executed horribly -- granted, it's still in the opening minutes of the movie so it's not like it's a twist, but Perseus being the son of a god should be somewhat of a big deal. Maybe a slow camera zoom, some dramatic music, and some feeling of emotion from Perseus? Nope? None of that? Just one line of dialogue and we'll move on? Ok then.

The soldiers of Argos quickly form a scheme to save the day: they'll travel across the lands to find some witches that will tell them how to defeat the Kraken (if you're scoring at home, references to the Kraken are now way ahead of references to a coherent story). The soldiers of course bring Perseus along, because as we just unceremoniously learned, he came from Zeus' penis (I wonder if Zeus' sperm have lightning bolts for tails). There is a brief protest from Andromeda because she volunteers to be sacrificed and save everyone the hassle, but this simple solution is immediately cast aside because then the movie would only be 15 minutes long. So off they go, this group of soldiers that all look alike and talk alike and have similar sounding names and don't get introduced to the audience so there's no room for character development and no chance of me giving a shit if they die (spoiler alert: they die). In the meantime, Hades has a scheme of his own. He visits some guy whose wife was Perseus' mother (while this may sound important, the filmmakers don't treat it as such so neither will I) and tells him to kill Perseus. To make sure he is strong enough to take on a demigod, Hades blows fire into the dude's mouth. Because that's how people get powers apparently. Now, if you're like me, you might be asking: why doesn't Hades just kill Perseus? He's much more powerful than this random guy. Maybe it's because Zeus is an omnipotent god who sees all and would never allow it to happen? Perhaps. But in that scenario, why would Zeus allow Hades to scheme around behind his back and give powers to this guy via french kiss? Wouldn't that be something that an all-knowing god would put a stop to?

Well, he doesn't put a stop to it, and logic be damned, the story must go on. Perseus and the soldiers trek out into the world, and on the first day they make camp, the lead soldier teaches Perseus how to use a sword in 10 seconds despite the fact that he has never used a weapon before. I guess demigods are fast learners. His new skills are quickly put to the test, as the convoy is attacked by French Kiss Fire Power Man, who is now a master swordsman despite his inexplicable beastly and feral nature. A few nameless soldiers are killed off (not that the audience cares) before French Kiss Fire Power Man gets his hand hacked off and runs away. Perseus gives chase to this pesky ancillary character, who is leaving a trail of blood behind as he runs. Suddenly, we discover that not only is the blood acidic and burns whatever it touches, but that the blood also transforms into giant scorpions. That's right. His blood transforms into giant scorpions. The ensuing battle that breaks out is a god awful cinematic mess. Director Louis Leterrier must have attended the Michael Bay School Of Shaky Camera Work During CGI Fight Scenes, as the cinematography in this sequence is difficult to watch and impossible to follow. What originally seemed to be only one giant scorpion now seems to be two, or maybe three, or possibly four, I'm not sure. It doesn't really matter. Perseus, now an absolute master of combat after his 10 second lesson, kills off one giant scorpion while his identical soldier buddies all do battle with the remaining two or six. When they have seemingly defeated the blood scorpion menace, suddenly some more pop up, now bigger and badder than their predecessors. But don't worry, here come the Tusken Raiders-- er, I mean, the Djinn to telepathically tame the scorpions. They never say it's telepathically, but one can only assume that's the case, since the mere presence of the Djinn cause all the scorpions to stop moving, and two minutes of screen time later, the Djinn have not only tamed the giant scorpions and turned them into modes of transportation, but they have built huts on their backs to house the passengers. Because that's just what happens in ancient Greece on a daily basis. As they trudge along on the backs of the beasts that were trying to kill them just moments ago, Perseus asks the lead soldier how long of a journey they have left. "Two days," he is told. Luckily for the audience, the next cut is to the travelers arriving at the witches' den. What's that? You want your movie evenly paced? Fuck that and fuck you! Pace? Get outta here!

Perseus and his posse enter the witches' lair, where they find three rip-off's of the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth (the guy whose eyes were in his hands). The witches jump around and act weird for no reason, and eventually they suggest that the gang head down to the Underworld to kill and steal the head of Medusa, who has the power to turn men to stone by looking them in the eyes. They reckon that this power will also work on the Kraken (just in case you forgot what beast they were trying to defeat). They also tell Perseus that he will die, which is a weird idea to put into the script this late in the film, especially because this is a PG-13 movie and it's obviously that Perseus will win. Anyway, Scooby and the gang decide that the monstrous witches are trustworthy and have good ideas, so off they go to the Underworld, which apparently is easily accessible through a large hole in the ground (yet for some reason Hades can't come to Earth without Zeus' permission?). Before they enter, some of the members of the posse decide they won't come along, but first they give Perseus a new shield made out of the hide of one of the giant scorpions. They claim that it is lighter but also stronger than any metal. Because scorpion skin is the equivalent of space shuttle material apparently. Somebody get NASA on the phone.

Down into the Underworld they go, where Medusa makes quick work of the remaining members of Perseus' running crew. Thankfully though, Perseus has grown into the greatest warrior that the world has ever known in the span of a few days, so he is able to fend off her attacks. He wins the battle by watching Medusa in the reflection of his scorpion shield, and when she gets close enough, he closes his eyes and chops her head off. If this scorpion shit wasn't the worst thing about the movie yet, this officially made it so. The inside of the scorpion skin is a fucking mirror? Really? I never knew scorpions were so god damn reflective. Anyshit, Perseus chops off Medusa's head, which strangely stays alive, but he tosses it into his purse (seriously, he has a purse) and leaves the Underworld with no hassle whatsoever. Waiting for him outside, however, is French Kiss Fire Power Blood Scorpion Man, who kills Perseus' lady friend (not important enough to even mention before this point). They have a quick battle, but naturally Perseus triumphs thanks to a magical sword he received from Zeus earlier in the film but refused to use up until this point. French Kiss Fire Power Blood Scorpion Man is defeated, but our problems are not over yet friends -- it is now the 10th day since Hades demanded his sacrifice, and it's time for humanity to suffer. Zeus instructs Hades to release the Kraken on the innocent townsfolk in Argos (wait, there's a Kraken in this movie? Why didn't they say anything earlier?!). Back in the big city, Andromeda's palace is bumrushed by angry villagers who demand her blood, and she willingly hands herself over to them. Nevermind the fact that she wanted to do this 10 days earlier and save everyone all the trouble - NOW it's apparently going to be allowed. The angry villagers tie her to some poles and leave her there for the Kraken to kill. But wait, you may be saying, that means that the Kraken will still have to rise up from the sea and come to their town and likely cause large fucking amounts of collateral damage. Why not just stab Andromeda and skip the entire Kraken sequence? Wouldn't that save a lot of time and trouble? Well yes, but apparently logic wasn't invented in ancient Greece yet, or more likely, the filmmakers just really really really wanted to show the fucking Kraken.

So up the big fellow comes, rising from the sea with something like 14 limbs, smashing shit up all over the place and causing a mass panic. Thankfully, our hero Perseus comes cruising into town on a flying horse wearing Ray Bans and blasting some Dragonforce on the horse's stereo system (some of that sentence is untrue). Another CGI Shaky Cam session breaks out, as Perseus is chased all over the city by some demon sidekicks of Hades. The Kraken finally gets its head out of the water and starts moving towards Andromeda, but at the last moment Perseus jumps up and flashes the head of Medusa at the beast, who promptly turns to stone and falls back into the ocean. They made it abundantly clear in the earlier Medusa scene that her powers only worked on men, so I guess the Kraken is a male even though it was created by Hades and there's no reason for it to have a gender? Weird. But nonetheless, the CGI beast is vanquished. Hades isn't too happy about this and tries to attack Perseus (why didn't he just do that from the start?), but the bastard son of Zeus receives a little help from his papa when his sword is struck by lightning, which creates a blast of energy that knocks Hades into the ocean and back into the Underworld. Evil is punished, the day is saved, Andromeda lives (even though she wasn't developed at all and I couldn't have given less of a shit about her), and the city is safe. It just has to deal with the hundreds of dead bodies in the streets and the countless buildings that were destroyed by the Kraken's wrath. But that kind of thing never gets shown in movies. We're just supposed to assume that they lived happily ever after. That's basically all there is to it. There's a final scene of Zeus coming down to Earth to congratulate his son, but it's not really anything worth giving a shit about. Zeus also revives Perseus' love interest who was killed earlier by F.K.F.P.B.S Man, but I just cannot muster up the energy to care about that either.

The only parts of this movie that were any good at all were the scenes in which Perseus was staunchly refusing to accept any help from the Gods early in the film. A sword falls from the heavens on the first day of their journey, but Perseus refuses to use it. "I'm going to do this as a man," he tells the lead soldier on that first day and then again after the blood scorpion attack. He was rebelling against his father and trying to make a statement about the power of humanity. This was an enjoyable theme and had the potential to stand up well -- until he started accepting crazy amounts of help from his father without any real shift in his attitude. Why the sudden change in what you stand for, Perseus? It's a little wishy-washy, don't you think? He accepts a gold coin from Zeus that helps him gain entry to the Underworld, he uses the Godsword to slay F.K.F.P.B.S Man, he rides back to Argos on the flying horse sent from the heavens, and he uses Zeus' lightning blast to defeat Hades. So really, he didn't do jack shit as a man. He would have never defeated any of the villains or saved the day without the help of the Gods. So much for the power of humanity. What could have been a powerful theme crumbled under the weight of the filmmakers wanting to make the story convenient and chock full of CGI effects. I fucking hate when movies work to build up key elements and underlying messages of their story, only to abandon them altogether simply because they're getting close to the end and need to wrap shit up. Why introduce the premise in the first place then? Why not have Perseus accept the help of Zeus right from the beginning? The end result would have been the same, and it would have saved him from looking like a dickhead halfway through.

To make a long story short, Clash of the Titans is an epic cinematic fail of ancient Greek proportions.

(Hey, did you guys know there was a Kraken in this movie?)

Welcome To Cinema Fail

Do you like movies? I sure do. I like watching movies, analyzing movies, discussing movies, dissecting movies. Movies can be inspiring, touching, heartbreaking. Movies can make you laugh, cry, make you jump out of your seat when the killer surprises a victim, make your eyes widen as the special effects kick in, make you rock out to a killer soundtrack. Movies can remind you of the past, or make you wonder about the future. They can take you to space, under the sea, jungles, deserts, big cities, small towns. Above all, movies can make you forget about real life, even if for just two hours, and entertain you while you get lost in the world they present you with.

But not all movies.

There are some movies that can do none of those things. Movies that try to make you laugh, but don't. Movies that try engulf you in drama, but put you to sleep. Movies that make you regret spending $10 of your hard earned money just to stare at Owen Wilson's fucked up face for 90 facepalming minutes.

I'm of course referring to bad movies.

I have a special interest in bad movies. They seem to have grown in numbers almost exponentially in the past decade, so they're almost unavoidable. If you've gone out to a movie theater recently, chances are the film you saw was bad. And it's likely that I could have told you it was going to be bad.

Not that you would have listened, though.

The reason the market is flooded with celluloid fecal matter these days is because the general public (aka "assholes like you") keep throwing down cash to watch films that are total fucking garbage, so the big fatcat Hollywood executives look at the box-office gross of, let's say, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and they think something along the lines of:

"Wow, this movie made over $100 million! Kevin James must be a legitimate actor that people want to see on a continuous basis, so let's keep writing awful movies for him and putting him in starring roles!"

However, nothing could be further from the truth. In a cinematic utopia, people would realize that Kevin James is not even fucking close to being a legitimate actor, and it would be nice if we never saw his unfunny fat ass ever again, except maybe on the side of a milk carton (do people even buy milk cartons anymore?). Sadly, we do not live in this utopia. We live in a world where drooling idiots see a trailer for a movie about a fat guy who falls down and gets hurt, and because they have an IQ comparable to that of a pile of manure, they think it's the funniest thing they've ever seen, and they absolutely can't wait to hand over their wallets, suspend all coherent thought, sit back and enjoy their hour and a half of kindergarten humor (my apologies if that insults any kindergarteners).

Unfortunately, this is a problem that seems to have no solution. I could try to sit these people down and have a rational conversation with them about why they're wrong and I'm right, but that never seems to go over well. Plus, the general public outnumbers me several million to one, and I'm afraid I don't have the time or energy to try and talk sense into each and every one of you. So, I simply must accept that the bad movies won't stop coming. But now, thanks to this newfangled blog here, I don't have to do it quietly. This will be my domain to somewhat regularly discuss the films that I find unfunny, boring, mind numbing, lacking of substance, ect. Movies that make me wonder how the fuck they even got made in the first place. Movies that fail.

Welcome to Cinema Fail.